Disorder in the
Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' Most language is spoken
language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever
into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement
made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman,
the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has
collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humour in the Court (1977) and More Humour in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes,
here are some of my favourite transquips, all recorded by America's
keepers of the word:
Q. What is your
brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his
first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been
your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell
you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
Q. Did you ever
stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to
answer that question.
Q. Did you ever
stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to
answer that question.
Q. Did you ever
stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs.
Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose
death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did
you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said
he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your
name?
A. Ernestine
McDowell.
Q. And what is
your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did
your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things
I didn't know about.
Q. And who is
this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow
said it.
Q. How did you
happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal
down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know
how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be
three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently
then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were
you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith,
do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times
have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how
many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies
have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquatinted
with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or
after he died?
Q. Officer, what
led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he
was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened
then?
A. He told me,
he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill
you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones,
is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is
how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now,
as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. You say you
had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and
you didn't scream?
A. No ma'am.
Q. Does that
mean you consented?
A. No, ma'am.
That means I was unconscious.
Q. Did he pick
the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he
doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them
up in the air.
Q. Where was
the dog at this time?
A. Attached to
the ears.
Q. When he went,
had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection.
That question should be taken out and shot.
Before we recess,
let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly,
Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are
you?
A. Oral.