Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire... Feeling sorry for her husband,she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,and gives it to him: - Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again.The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough, she wants sixty... The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: - Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant & her husband came over here...I charged him only fifty...
There are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Come Saturday the original three arrive promptly at 9 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about 10 minutes late so wait for me." The following Saturday they all arrive and find George already there. But this time George plays left-handed, and still beats them all. As they get ready to leave, George says, "I'll see you all next Saturday, but I may be 10 minutes late so wait for me." Every week George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week he departs with the same message. After a couple of months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute George. Every week you say you may be 10 minutes late and you are always on time, then you beat us either right or left handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kinda superstitious, When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife, if she is sleeping on her left side, I play left handed, and if she's sleeping on her right, I play right handed." "So what do you do if she is sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm 10 minutes late," George replies.
One day, a mother and her little daughter were walking through the woods when they came upon two deers mating. The little girl asked what they were doing. The mother hesitated and replied, "They're making sandwiches dear." Later on, when they saw two rabbits mating, she gave the same excuse. That night, the little girl knocked on her parents' door and came in. All of sudden, she asked, "Mommy, were you and Daddy making sandwiches?" The mother hesitated and replied, "No dear, why?" The little girl replied, "Because you have mayo all over your face."
Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child. The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork. Inthe twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant. The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what? When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more. Found out what was causin' it."
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly solider shoots about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle. The Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that ? Have you ever been in combat before ?" "Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my first public war."
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it Supreme Ranch" said Texan St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Where upon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked "Do you keep stationery ?" "Well," she giggled, "I can ... until the last few minutes, then I just go plain wild."
If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey bit the legs of my rooster, what would you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".[Quite Fast- C.] The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". [Understandable :) - C.] This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".
"Hello ?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered. "Scheesch ! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos ?"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam. "OK, OK, let's go!" said George. "Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam. "Sure" says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
A man and his wife are eating in an expensive restaurant. A strikingly beautiful woman walks by the table, pauses, leans over the man's shoulder and kisses him on the cheek. Then she walks away. "And who was that?", asked the man's wife. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that.", he said. "That's my Mistress." "YOUR WHAT? YOUR MISTRESS?", she screams. "I WANT A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW!" The man replied, "If that's what you really want... But I hope you realize there will be no more summers in Switzerland, no winters in the Bahamas. No more 'round the world cruises or wild unlimited shopping sprees." Just then, another man with a beautiful woman on his arm enters the room. "Say," says the wife, "isn't that your business partner?" "Yes", says the husband, "and that's HIS Mistress with him." "Oh, said his wife. I think OUR Mistress is prettier than HIS Mistress."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened. "Simple," says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. " My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First let's see you play that harmonica!"