Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzie wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much."
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." "Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, .. that's shortening."
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?
"Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence.
"She says, "Buckwheat is dumb.
"Now spell "stupid".
Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.
"The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence.
"Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid.
"Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate.
"Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
A father came home from a long
business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where
did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the
boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the
truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over
to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
The pretty teacher was concerned
with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,
she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With
whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that
I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a hand-job."
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching
and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do
a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything.
Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked
out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous
applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of
the audience. Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns
a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with
you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here
is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said, "Moooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Jimmy. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little ohnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" -"Well, what did the principal say?" -"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat." Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys." Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...." Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny." Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream! "
Little 10-year-old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says. A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's fucking the horse!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher. Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled. When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself. "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school wit a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me! "Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming!"
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?" Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!" So Johnny decides to go into his grandparent's room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!" Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down. "Johnny! What are you doing??!!" Johnny:" I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?" Johnny:" With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
The next day, his teacher couldn't take it anymore and called out sick. However she leaves a note for the substitute, just in case. The substitute teacher came in and without saying a word proceeded to write her name on the blackboard. P - R - U - S - S - Y. "Good morning class. My name is Miss Prussy. It's just like as in pussy cat except with an 'r'." Well, everything that day goes without any problems. The original teacher however calls out again and Miss Prussy comes back for a second day. She walks into the class and asks if anyone remembers her name. Without hesitation Little Johnny stands up and announces, "Yeh, your Miss Crunt!"
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."