Some thoughts for you, who professionally meet people that’s
loosing their babies.
I wish no one else would have to go through the tragedy of loosing
a child.
It doesn't matter if it is a unborn baby, because you attach to the
baby as soon you know you are pregnant.
Unfortunately is this more common than people think, and it seems
that the health care system fails in taking care of people that are
dealing with a pregnancy loss.
I have tried to put down some thoughts, from me and my friends,
what could be done to help those who looses a unborn child.
* It is a death of a child. Don't talk about fetuses, as it would have
been something that hasn't lived.
* Think about the fact that even if you are dealing with this often in
your work, is it the first time for many of us. Try to explain even
the things you find obvious.
* It doesn't matter, when in the pregnancy we loose a child, the
grief is there. We have the right to grieve, make it easier for us to do
so.
* Help us to collect memories of the child, where it's possible, take
pictures, footprints, a lock of hair and other thing, that could be
cherished the rest of our lives. Give us copies of ultrasound pictures
and other things that could be found in the journals. Give us notes
about weight and length as by any other birth.
* When it is a early miscarriage, help us to get something
else to remember the child with. Like a beautiful picture, a poem to
put on the wall. Something to look at, and give the confirmation of
the existents of the child.
* My daughter was born in the 22 week. I wish that they would
have made this to a meeting, that I could have remembered with a
warm feeling. I wish that they would have put some clothes on her,
tucked her into something soft. That they would have let me and my
husband seeing her in another way, then like something unwanted, that
has to be removed as soon as possible.
* Think about that we are dizzy and in chock, and give us
the opportunity to let us see the baby again a little bit later.
* Take photos and collect memories, also for the one of us who doesn't
want them. Tell us that you are doing this, if we would regret our
decision later on.
* Make it routine to let us meet with a priest, almoner or
someone like it. Most of us need this. And often we are in chock
and don't think we need one if you ask. This is often firing back
later. Under the first meeting is it important that both parents attend,
so that we can learn to understand each others feelings.
* Give advise about the possibilities for funeral or something like it.
To have some kind of ceremony, can make it easier for both us , our relatives
and friends, to talk about what have happened. To show the world that our
child really did exist, can help the us in our mourning.
* Give also the father the possibility to be at home for a while. It is
important that we get some time together, otherwise is the risk that
the father of the child to quickly is back to normal life and the
mother will be left alone with her grief.
* Try to organize contacts with other people who have experienced
the same. It is a nice feeling to see that I´m not alone, for
example with feeling hate against parents with newborn children, or
the feeling of that I want to hit pregnant women on the street.
* Follow up afterwards, see that the connections with needed health
care are taken. We don't always have the strength to do that by
ourself. The fear of getting pregnant again with another child,
(which of course can't take the place of the lost child) can be a big
problem. That can be helped if we have got a good relation with the
doctor and other people in health care.
* And most important of all: Don't see the child as something we should forget! Let the child be a part of our lives, and it will be
easier to go on. The feeling that no one else thinks of the child as
someone who lived, makes the mourning harder.
Read the story about Pyret!
Pyrets memory page.
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